The Vampire Diaries Recap: Meet Me at the Altar

First comes marriage, then comes …
Well, look, things work a little differently on TVD.
Last night Alaric got married. Or, almost got married. Jo and Elena’s lives hang in the balance, as does Damon’s humanity. Will he take the cure? Will Elena ride off into the sunset? Will Stefan and Caroline ever just get it on? Before we can know the answers, we must live the questions.

Let’s recap.
The Vampire Diaries presents to us a world in which vampires are more prevalent than humans, and the plane ride has yet to be invented. (Why does no one ever get the hell out of there in anything besides a truck?) And still, Elena and Caroline’s dorm room is the most unrealistic plot this show has ever pulled. Vaulted ceilings? A fireplace WITH MULTIPLE PRONGS? No. Minus 12.
Mama Salvatore wants Bonnie to free her friends. Also, she wants to kill her. But Bonnie stakes her! And runs straight into Kai. Her powers no longer work. Minus 15. Bonnie is always getting the short end of everything.
But it was all a dream! Bonnie is just asleep in the jumbo dorm! PITCH: TVD has been a fever dream inside Bonnie’s head, who is sick with the flu after Elena made her stand in for her turn at spin the bottle. It would be totally character-consistent. The bottle landed on Matt and Elena wanted to make out with Tyler in the closet instead? That seems right. Plus 8.
“Love! It’s all that I can give, to you …”
The old-school music playing over the opening sequence of them freaking out over shoes and steaming Jo’s dress was just heaven. And then Caroline came back to party-plan the SHIT outta this thing. First order of business? Tell Elena to just have a cocktail and stop trying to be helpful. God, she gets everything. Plus 20.
Matt has suits, Tyler has rings, Alaric has vows. Who’s on first? Plus 12.
It’s completely believable that Matt and Tyler would be talking to Alaric about how ridiculous it is that he’s only going to be with one woman for the rest of his life. They’re still young and human enough to have their mind blown by the prospect of till death do us part, even though the people around them have been committing to vampire eternity for the last six years now. Plus 18.
Aw, Damon is Alaric’s best man! I assumed, but I wish we would have seen that scene. Stefan is taking Damon somewhere to show him the benefits of vampire life or the torture of being human and suburban and boring. Cycles and circles, you know? Plus 8. Effective strategy. That kid seemed annoying.
“Caroline suggested, in a semi-threatening way, that I pick up the centerpieces.” —Matt Donovan. Let’s just pack up and go home. Pinnacle reached. Plus 10.
I liked this moment between Tyler and Caroline. I loved their love story, hated their fallout, dig where they are now. Plus 8.
Liv showed up, looking like she just came from a network meeting where she was trying to get The Carrie Diaries restarted. Plus 5. I like (liked) her.
Stefan was still trying to convince Damon not to be human by introducing him to microwavable meals and paperwork, which didn’t make a ton of sense to me, but I guess vampires don’t need to pay taxes! Who knows the rules! All I know is that apparently Damon and Stefan get all their money by compelling bank tellers because it sounded like without compulsion Damon was gonna be BROKE. Minus 8.
“I want the perfect human life with him, too, Stefan.” How far we have come. No points. It still hurts a little sometimes late at night.
Why was Elena getting wasted? Didn’t that seem like a bad plan, as she’s like a walking disaster now? Minus 4.
Jo fell and then got treated at the hospital and told Elena not to tell Alaric, and then Elena immediately told Alaric, and as she told the story of how Alaric’s pregnant fiancée was just IN A HOSPITAL, she subtly and beautifully transitioned it to a story about how she, Elena Gilbert, feels alive again now that she’s human. I have to give points. She’s like a navel-gazing wizard. Plus 15.
“What if you and Elena aren’t soul mates?”
“You know I’m not big on labels, bro, but I think we’re good on that front.” A++++++++++ and Plus 30.
Stefan was making a really good point about the possibility of Delena breaking up. In his version, Damon became an alcoholic and Elena was a workaholic and they never had sex anymore. Plus 20. Sorry, guys, this seemed SUPER likely.
All this talk of how fragile human life is was making me feel kind of insecure, to be honest. I could walk outside right now and just get hit by a car. Or step on eggshells and get an infection from the cut! Stressful. Minus 12.
I dunno why Damon would be any more sad if Elena died when he was human than if he were a vampire. Like, wouldn’t it be worse if he were a vampire? Because then he’d have to live eternity without her? Minus 3.
After ALL of that, Damon asked Stefan what he should do, and Stefan was all, “I can’t tell you that.” Bullshit. That’s what this ENTIRE DAY was about. The answer is: Don’t take the cure. Stefan knows that. Minus 5.
Elena and Stefan joked about how now that she’s human, she’s gonna start to fall for him again. It was nice. I’m not bitter. Plus 4.
It was weird when Stefan and Elena were talking and we were watching Damon and then it sounded like Stefan was doing dramatic voice-over. But I liked that Damon deflated that soccer ball. It was super irritating. Plus 10.
Jo’s father showed up and asked to walk her down the aisle. I couldn’t remember what he had done or why he was bad, so I was moved. Plus 7.
Okay. Here we go. Stefan asks Caroline to talk. Then he takes her hand. She asks if he hates her. He says, "Of course not." She says she made a list of all the things she’s done since she started falling for Stefan, and all she needed was for Stefan to tell her he felt the same way. And then Stefan said he DID feel the same way and they both feel out of control when they’re around each other. And the music sang, “It’s not over yet.” But then Caroline walked away, saying she can’t give up control right now. (My guess is she will next episode). Plus 13 for getting closer!
Elena did look super hot in that bridesmaid dress, and I liked that her straight hair has returned (is that a human thing?). Damon returned to tell her that he had made up his mind. He saw an old couple fighting and it made him realize he wants to take the cure and be with her. Forget the fact that they have an actual zero percent chance of ever growing old. I’m starting to think Damon might take the cure and Elena might die and next season may be about Stefan and Damon trying to figure out how to make Damon a vampire again? I like it? Plus 20.
There was a nice, well-lit shot of Damon and Elena kissing near the altar, too, which should go far on Tumblr. As should the scene of them having sex in a bail of hay.
The wedding was gorgeous. Jo looked beautiful, Alaric didn’t look a day over Legally Blonde. (Seriously, what is that dude’s secret?) I started to get a bad feeling right when I felt myself relaxing into joy. We’re never allowed to be this happy on TVD. I was pretty sure Jo was going to die. And then she started getting stabbed out of nowhere and Kai went full-on Carrie on that wedding. Chandeliers fell. Elena crumpled into a heap. And we were left with the most DEVASTATING PROMO for next week I have ever seen. Elena, saying good-bye.